When Self-Care Starts to Feel Like a To-Do List (And Why That Feeling Matters)

During a recent self-care training I led on International Self-Care Day, a question was asked that stayed with me long after the session ended. It wasn’t dramatic or complicated. It was honest—and it was the kind of question that echoes in the back of your mind the next time you try to light a candle, take a deep breath, or journal before bed:

“What happens when self-care turns into another item on your to-do list?”

Whew.

That one landed.

In the moment, I responded from the heart:

“Don’t put things on your self-care list that make you feel like you’re just checking another box.”

But as soon as I said it, I knew there was more I wanted to unpack. And while the conversation in the room moved forward, I kept thinking about the weight of that question. Because the truth is, it reflects something so many of us feel.

We live in a world that constantly asks more of us—more productivity, more performance, more pushing through. And then we hear the message that self-care is essential (which it is!) but the idea of adding one more thing to an already overflowing plate can feel impossible.

If that’s where you are right now, please hear me: you’re not alone. We’ve all been there.

You know those moments when even the act of taking care of yourself feels like another task to complete? Another checkbox. Another obligation. Another chore.

That’s the moment when self-care quietly shifts from being a resource to being a responsibility. And that’s something we need to notice.

Why Does Self-Care Start to Feel Like a Chore?

Here’s where we often get tripped up:

• To-do lists are driven by outcomes: what needs to be done.

• Self-care is driven by emotion: how I want to feel.

But when we start treating self-care the same way we treat work—something to be measured, tracked, and “done right”—it begins to lose its power.

Researchers actually have a name for this: the self-care paradox. It’s the idea that the very practices designed to help us feel better can actually make us feel worse when they’re approached rigidly or out of obligation.

Think about it:

• You commit to a 5:30 a.m. yoga class because you feel you “should,” not because it brings you peace.

• You journal every night, but instead of feeling reflective, you’re just racing to fill a page before bed.

• You drink green smoothies you don’t even enjoy because that’s what “healthy people” do.

Even when the activity is beneficial, the pressure around it robs it of joy. Researchers found that when practices lose their flexibility and become obligations, they stop fulfilling the emotional needs they were created to support—things like autonomy, joy, connection, and recovery.

Translation? If your bubble bath feels more like a burden than a blessing… that’s not self-care anymore. That’s self-maintenance—and it’s okay to call that out.

Perfectionism Wearing a Wellness Mask

There’s another concept psychologists talk about called wellness perfectionism. This happens when we believe we have to “do self-care perfectly” to be successful at it.

It sounds like that sneaky voice in your head saying:

• “You didn’t drink enough water today.”

• “You forgot your gratitude journal.”

• “You were supposed to meditate, remember?”

Somewhere along the line, we started treating care like performance. And we let that performance be measured in productivity terms: streaks, routines, checklists, and comparisons.

Even the calm starts to feel calculated. Even the rest feels rushed.

But here’s the truth I keep coming back to:

If your self-care routine is exhausting you, it’s okay to rewrite it.

Care should feel like care—not compliance.

The bottom line? Self-care isn’t about how much you do—it’s about how it makes you feel. When it becomes another source of pressure, it’s time to shift your approach.

A Simple Way to Think About Self-Care

On 7/24, International Self-Care Day, we talked about how the date itself is a reminder: self-care is something we should weave into our lives 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

At first glance, that might feel like a lot. But the point isn’t to “do more.” It’s to see self-care as a rhythm, not a rigid routine. A way of caring for yourself in small, meaningful ways throughout your day—without waiting for the “perfect” moment.

And yes—there will always be practices that are simply good for your body, like movement or drinking water, even if they don’t instantly spark joy. This isn’t about skipping those, but about finding forms of those habits that feel realistic and supportive rather than heavy or punishing.

Here’s what that looks like for me:

• Choosing soft toilet tissue

• Drinking sparkling water instead of plain

• Lighting a candle while I work

• Playing music that makes me smile

• Spritzing a fragrance that shifts my mood

• Putting on lotion slowly instead of rushing through

And here are a few more ideas you might love:

• Wearing your favorite cozy socks even if you’re staying home

• Using the “good mug” for your morning coffee just because

• Saying “no” to an extra commitment you don’t have energy for

• Buying fresh flowers for the kitchen

• Stretching for two minutes before bed instead of scrolling your phone

• Opening a window and breathing in fresh air

• Keeping snacks you truly enjoy on hand

• Watching a funny video when you need a pick-me-up

None of these feel like “tasks.” They’re simply choices that make your day softer, brighter, and more nourishing.

This is the shift: self-care doesn’t have to be something you add on—it can be something you infuse into what you’re already doing.

Before You Add It, Ask Yourself

If you’ve ever felt the weight of “one more thing,” here’s a quick check-in before adding anything new to your self-care list:

1. What do I want to feel right now? (Calm? Energized? Joyful? Comforted?)

2. Does this practice move me toward that feeling?

3. Does it feel like a choice—or an obligation?

If it feels heavy or forced, it’s okay to let it go. If it feels light, supportive, and truly for you, it’s worth keeping.

The Ongoing Conversation

The question asked during that training is one I’ll keep carrying with me because it speaks to something deeper than routines. It’s about how we choose to care for ourselves in a world that often asks us to keep going, no matter how we feel.

Here’s what I know: the best self-care is the kind that gives you back to yourself.

Not the kind that makes you feel behind.

Not the kind that demands you perform it perfectly.

But the kind that says: I matter. My needs matter. And it’s okay to care for myself in simple, everyday ways.

So, if your self-care list feels heavy, rewrite it. Make it smaller. Make it sweeter. Make it yours.

And then, take a deep breath and let that be enough.

Reflection: What’s one small way you can infuse self-care into your day today?